I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I

make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary

with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts

squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd

better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that

way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes

two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse

Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always

part of the problem and not the solution. I believe if she has her lips

on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even

applies when you are President of the United States. I think that being

a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at

Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your

pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be

enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or

gods, just leave the rest of us out of it.

This also applies to sexuality. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for

a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular

opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of

July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,

Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know

wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now,

when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a

slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after

getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been

persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. I

think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from

them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are

breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are

too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who

should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next

four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license

should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you

promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I think

tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend

they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised,

no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to

believe otherwise. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD

American.