12.01.04
I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years now. I have been to a doctor, I know I have some problems with ovulation, but I can't afford to get any treatment for it so now it's left up to nature. Every day I get to take care of these smart, adorable, loving, amazing little kids. I get to watch them grow up and learn and develop their own little personalities. Every day I get their hugs and kisses and appreciation and respect. Every day I get attitude and grief and I get ignored. Every day I have to deal with their temper tantrums or fights and discipline them when they do something wrong. And every day I have the realization that no matter how much I love them, put up with them, care for them, teach them, discipline them, and worry about them, they aren't mine. They will never love me as much as they love their mom. Even after they don't see her for days at a time; she isn't there to kiss their owie's, help them with their homework, cook them dinner, play with them, comfort them when they are sad; they would still choose her over me in a heartbeat because she is their mom. I may never ever have that. I may never get to feel from them, or from anyone, what they feel for her. My heart literally breaks every time Gretta comes home and none of the kids want to sit with me because they just want her, or the kids draw pictures for her and not for me, or the kids fight to have her sit next to them in a restaurant and not me. Not because I think I deserve it more than her, but because I may NEVER have that. I don't at all begrudge Gretta her relationship with her kids. She went through a divorce last year and now she is trying to support herself and three kids all on her own. She HAS to work, and just like anyone else she deserves to be loved and have a relationship with someone who will love her like I have with Adam. She deserves to have some kind of social life because otherwise she would be resigned to a life raising her kids alone. I get that, and I get that with her working full time and her boyfriend living an hour and a half away, her time is stretched very thin. I get that SHE is their mom and deserves everything that comes with that. I am just feeling sorry for myself, and very jealous of her. She is thin, pretty, has three amazing kids, her own house, a fun social life... And while I know she has her problems and I wouldn't trade my relationship with Adam for the WORLD, nothing takes away the want.Anyway, I just need to get over it. I can't change it and I know I should be glad that I get to have such a unique relationship to my neices and nephew. Most aunts don't get to be as close to or get to know their neices and nephews like I do. I should be grateful that Gretta let us move into her house after Adam got out so he could go to school, and I should be happy that I have a chance to help out my best friend in the world after her divorce so she can keep her head above water. It's just had to remember the big picture when you are stuck in the same rut day to day, KWIM?
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