I felt the depression set in more today when I noticed at the store how many of the girls there around my age are thin, compared to the whole two girls besides me that I saw all day close to or exceeding my size. When I am in a good mood, I don't usually notice other people enough to let them affect how I see myself. When I am getting depressed I find things to make me feel worse, and weight is a big issue with me. I just found myself wondering why I had to get the body I have, when all of the dozens of girls I saw today seem to have no problem NOT being fat. I am going to have to struggle my whole life just to look normal in other peoples eyes. (Not that they should matter, but truthfully I have the same image of what I should be that society has for me, as bad as that may sound.) Hell, I will have to struggle to look chubby instead of outright fat. Weight has become a topic in one of the communities that I joined on MSN, and about 10 of the girls that post on the boards have taken this diet weight-loss pill called Xenadrine. You get it at GNC and they have commercials and ads for it everywhere. Every single girl that has taken it, and the ones that haven't but know people that have, said that it works wonders. I know that it is no quick fix, and after you stop taking it you probably gain back the weight you lost alot easier than if you had lost it healthier, but I really just want something to take while I exercise to help me lose enough weight before my wedding that I don't actually feel ugly and fat on my wedding day. I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to be chubby, if not fat, for the rest of my life. That is my reality. I just don't want to be a fat bride. That is my nightmare. I have a feeling that stuff is expensive, and pobably bad for you, and I can't afford it, and I bet that Gretta and Adam would tell me to never take it, but I want to anyway. When you aren't overweight you have no idea how desperate you feel when you are and everyone who is telling you not to worry about it, or that it isn't that big of a deal, isn't. I have this plan in my head to eat better, which I have been doing for the most part, and walk on a treadmill or do exercise like Sweatin' to the Oldies, and take some diet pills to help me lose some weight so that I look sexy for my wedding at least, then afterward, especially when I get pregnant, I will go back to chubby cute Trina. I dunno, maybe I should just accept that I am going to be a fat bride too.....

Feeling depressed at 10:50 p.m.

Before & After

I MISS ADAM
�Dreams and Wedding Plans