03.03.02
I have no idea how I am going to explain about my day, but I felt so bad today that I actually started crying in the middle of the store. I never cry. NEVER. Yet there I was in the middle of the clothing section choking back tears. And then to make it worse, I started again outside of the dressing room. Bet you can't guess why (clothing section, dressing room....). I felt like the fattest, most unattractive person in the world, and it wasn't even that anyone else thought that, it was that I didn't want to admit to myself that I am as chubby as I actually am, but today I had to admit it to myself because someone else noticed it and I couldn't deny it anymore. I don't look like I am. I guess I hide my weight well, but today I was faced with it, and it made me feel like shit. the shock I saw on my best friend and her husbands faces when they saw how big I have to wear my clothes made me feel like crawling into a hole and just dying. I should be flattered that the only reason she was shocked at all is because she would have never guessed I have to wear my jeans as big as I do, but that didn't make me feel the least bit better since I still have to buy them huge. I know to people that have never had a weight problem it is impossible to understand. If I could explain what it feels like to hate your body and just want to die when you see other people looking at you like just another fat nasty slob, but I can't effectively portray that, so I won't even try. All I will say is that I really just wanted to die today. I still feel like crying. I have no idea why I got stuck with the body that I did. The whole reason why I am even heavy at all is because I started doing the things I am supposed to. I was thin until I quit doing drugs and partying. After I chose to stop destroying my life, and decided I was better than the lifestyle I was living, I gained over 100 lbs in a month. Even though I would rather be fat than be the person that I used to be, I still hate what an unfair trade off it is for me. I can either be strung out and miserable, or a decent person and miserable. If I would have known that "improving" my life would make me feel so bad, I never would have done it. I wish I was just a normal person that could exercise and not hurt like an elderly woman with arthritis. I have scoliosis and let me tell you, the pain I feel after a workout is usually not even close to worth the benefits I might get from it. Instead of just having my spine curved too much like most scoliosis patients, mine is also twisted around. That causes my hips, shoulder, and legs to ebe uneven. Having everything twisted sideways puts lots of extra strain on my back and legs. It also makes it harder for me to breathe when I exert myself (and causes things like I have to pee more often since my bladder is squished, I can't eat very much at one time becuase my stomach is squished, and I have a small hump on my back from one side of it being twisted further out than the other). I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or assume that I can't do as much as anyone else can. I can do whatever I want. I just get winded faster, or tired faster, and have to rest more. I just know that anyone who doesn't know what it is like to be me, and have my weird problems, will just look at me breathing heavy after walking for 20 minutes and automatically assume it is because I am fat or lazy or whatever. So instead of worrying about what anyone else will think of me, I just avoid any activity that might embarass me. I am probably the only one that even notices that stuff. I am just so tired of hating myself and feeling like crying just because I am trying on clothes. Today is the first time I have felt so bad about myself in such a long time. If I could stand to make myself throw up, I would be bulemic. If i could get up the nerve to kill myself, I probably would have done that a long time ago. God knows I felt like doing it today. Gretta felt horrible about making me cry, but it wasn't her fault. She didn't make me this way. She didn't try to point it out and make me feel bad. She was trying to be nice and buy me a pair of jeans. I know she felt like it was all her fault after I got upset. She thought that I was just thinking I wanted her to go away at that point. I didn't want to be around anyone just because I really felt like crying. Not because I was mad at her. Marshall even joked around and said that I probably just wanted Adam there to make me feel better. The thought of Adam just made it all worse. He deserves a girl that is not a fat cow, and I never want him to see me because I feel like I am just disgusting. I know he knows exactly what I look like, and he says that he loves me for the way I am. I am just terrified that he loves me in spite of my weight, instead of loving everything about me. I certainly don't love it, so why should he? I am terrified that I disgust him, but he loves other things about me enough to overlook it. Or maybe he just turns a blind eye to it and fantasizes about someone else instead of paying attention to that part of me. Okay I am done being a whining baby about it. Nothing is worse that a glutton, I don't want to make it worse by being a pathetic glutton.....
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