Well, it is 9 days and counting until Adam gets here. The last few nights we have had the best conversations. I have gotten to know him more in the last two nights then I think I have since we started talking. I have also realized that HE is what I want, and if I some how screw it up with him, I will never be able to forgive myself. Since we haven't seen eachother in person, there is this certain mystery and fantasy that we have about eachother. I have the feeling that I know what to expect when it comes to him more than he does with me. I am best friends with his older sister after all. I have been hearing his embarassing stories and looking at all of his adolescent pictures since long before I ever thought of him as a possible ANYTHING. I feel pretty well prepared when it comes to what he looks like, his mannerisms, his personality, his quirks, his annoying habits, and so on. I am kinda worried that he has this idea of me in his head that I won't be able to live up to though. The only idea he has of how I am in real life is what he hears from Gretta, and of course she is going to rave about me. We are best friends after all! {{{{{Gretta}}}}} He has seen a few pictures of me, and I have sent him a few less than flattering ones trying to prepare him, but he seems to like those too. I hope that he isn't blinded by the idea he has of me. I have so many faults that, in my opinion, have kept me single for this long and are apparently not so attractive to the opposite sex. In no way do I assume Adam is as shallow as other guys have been, but at the same time I have been turned down and looked over so many times before because of my looks that I can't help but worry. That is what I am used to ALL guys being like. Gretta and my other friend Shasta, who have both seen me live and in color, both assure me I am pretty and that I have a very distorted self image and have nothing to worry about, but for some reason I just can't believe they are being anything but nice because they feel obligated to.

More than anything I am worried about my weight. When I quit doing speed about 3 years ago, I quit cold turkey and my body did NOT handle it well AT ALL. I gained over 100 lbs in a little over a month and I have even been getting sick alot more often since I quit. I have scoliosis pretty severely so that makes it almost impossible for me to do normal exercise to just lose the weight like a normal person. I feel like I got the raw end of the deal when it comes to bodies, but I would rather be chubby and clean, than skinny and strung out like I was. Besides throwing my body all out of whack in the weight department, doing drugs also made my already bad teeth (thanks for the genes egg donor) even worse. I have so many mouth problems and constant pain to the point that I can hardly eat most of the time. Last thing I need is to go back to doing drugs to lose weight and end up losing my teeth altogether and looking like snaggletooth Marsha. I am by no means morbidly obese, extremely fat, or even disgusting (in most peoples eyes at least). I have lost a good 60 lbs in the last 3 years since I gained all of this weight in the first place. I am chubs though, I have more boob than I should, I have a plump belly, I hate my arms and legs, and I dont't quite have a double chin, but it is close enough to make me suck it up in pictures. I guess I just hate my body so I wonder how anyone else will possibly like it.