I have no idea if I have written in this thing about my ongoing online "relationship" with this guy named Steven or not. It is the only romantic drama going on in my life. Steven is the guy I am totally crushing on. He lives a few hours away from me and I have been talking to him online and on the phone for over a year. He is my dream guy. He is tatted and pierced. I am very into mouths and lips, and he has his bottom lip pierced three times and I find that SO SEXY. He has a goatee, and from what he tells me is pretty hairy, which I also like. He is only 20, but you wouldn't know it from listening to him. Talk about a sexy voice. It is low and very sensual. His looks aren't the best part though. In fact they aren't even important. He is the biggest sweetheart on earth. I can tell he is just a big teddy bear, even though he is such a tough guy type. Although I am falling for Steven and his good looks and charm, he confuses the holy crap out of me sometimes. I know he is a private person and very cautious because of his past, but he seems so back and forth all the time. He will talk so sweet to me and say all of these nice things that are exactly what I need to hear, then I won't see him online for a few nights. To everyone else in the world that probably means absolutely nothing, but with me, after I have a good conversation with someone I am anxious to talk to them again. I don't think it is that he doesn't care, it is that he is so scared to seem like he cares!

The other thing with him is that I am dying to meet him, but i am terrified. Even though I know I am good enough for him, I am a rad girl if I do say so myself, and I would make any guy a great girlfriend, I am terrified he won't like the way I look. I am chubby and not a supermodel. I know that most girls aren't, but I am very hung up on my looks. I have been turned down and overlooked for it too many times in the past. I am not ugly, and I am not obese. That is the part that makes me so mad and so scared. I think I am a pretty cute girl, and the extra weight I do have I can and will lose and shouldn't matter anyway. I more than make up for not having a perfect body in SO many other ways.

Well, it is almost 2:30 and I am getting tired. I am scared to go to bed because Billy is sick and he has been coughing so hard he pukes all night. Poor kid. As bad as I feel for him, I also share a room with him, and I do not want to be sleeping in that bottom bunk when he decides to lean over and heave. Wonder if it is time for a camp out in the living room...........