02.18.02
I have absolutely nothing to write about. I won't get into gorey details about my weekend, but I have had a good time. Yesterday was a bad day, though. I was feeling crappy all day and I think too damn much. I was moody and just wanted to curl up and cry all day. I have realized that I'm not a touchy feely person. When I don't have anyone around to be touchy feely with, that's all I want. When I do, I push them away and get irritated at them for being all over me. What in the hell is wrong with me? I also get hung up on things that I shouldn't let bother me. I think I just need to decide what I want in my life. I know what I want ideally, but when I actually have it, or something that has the very good probability of becoming it, I always find something wrong with it. I think I just need to stop being so damn picky all the time. I have no room to expect something perfect when I'm so far from that myself. I guess all I want is happiness, and now that I have people offering to do whatever it takes to make me happy, I have no idea how to handle it. I'm too used to being the one who's trying to make everyone else happy. I'm used to having to walk on egggshells for people to try and make them love me, or see me as worthwhile, so when someone thinks that already, and nothing I do can change their opinion of me, I have no idea how to handle that but to reject them so that they will make it a little harder for me to get in. I need a challenge. I need someone to stand up to me. I need someone to make me work for their love. I need someone who is strong. I have the mentality that nothing's worth having unless you have to work for it. Unconditional love is a fairy tale concept to me. I guess the fact that I see so many faults in myself makes it hard for me to see how someone else can possibly see me as a prize. I definately don't see myself as one. Emotionally, I'm a train wreck. Certain things about myself I'm very confident about. Other things I hate so much I just wish I was either dead, or someone else entirely. It's all my fault. I let people tell me that I was less that I really am for so long that now I believe it. Now I know that whatever relationship I get into, be it friendship or something more, has to go slow. I always jump into things way too fast hoping it will solve all of my problems, and I get these ideas in my head of how great it is this time around, but when I am faced with what it really is, I'm so scared of it that I just want to run and hide. I can find a million reason why I don't want to commit myself to anything. I think I need to experience more in life before I decide to settle for one thing forever. Maybe I just need to pray....
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