01.11.02
Today has been a difficult day for me. I have been in pain all day, I have been depressed, and I have had alot of things on my mind. The only thing that I have come to any kind of a determination about is that I am doomed to be unhappy. The things that I want seem always just out of my reach. I have a great life, don't get me wrong, and I value and appreciate my friends ALOT. Things could be so much worse and I am so glad that I am me when I could be someone else. I just seem to have a really hard time trusting people and dealing with the fact that I am going to have to let go and trust someone else to help me be happy if I am actually going to get the things I want in life. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me, but I know what I mean. I would rather not go into any real detail for fear that people I don't want to know, will. It is no ones fault that I am struggling with things. I am too sensitive and romantic minded and I guess I just have my head in the clouds. I take things too personally when they probably don't even pertain to me. I worry way too much about things and read things into situations that more often than not aren't even there. One good thing that has been happening lately is that I am starting to feel better about myself in certain ways. Actually having self esteem is a good feeling, but the fact that I am starting to realize I am not the hideous beast I always led myself to believe I was, just makes the fact that I am still alone even harder. The whole Adam thing is great, but I just can't believe it is real. Things like this simply do NOT happen to me. I don't know if it is just because the big meeting is getting closer that I am feeling the way I am, or if it is me preparing myself for what is inevitable. I have always been rejected before, why not now? The only guys I have dated were a druggie who used me, gee figure that one out, no wonder he chose me, and the alcoholic that really couldn't get anyone else so he settled for me. That is not too good for your opinion of yourself when you try to imagine your future. I keep thinking, if it isn't my looks, and it isn't my personality, what is it about me that makes me fundamentally un-datable and un-marriable?? Yes, I know I haven't met Adam yet, and I am jumping the gun with my assumptions of how things are going to turn out. And I also know that guys don't like girls that aren't confident and strong and whatever. I am also aware that I am not the only person out there that is single. But, I feel the way I feel, even if it isn't always attractive or sexy or what it should be. I just feel this need to protect myself and prepare myself for the worst. Can you blame me? I am so ready to be swept off my feet and to be adore for once in my life, but I am so terrified of rejection and disappointment again that it is spoiling all of the anticipation that is supposed to be so fun. I think that sometimes I just think too much......
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