07.09.03
Okay, I am a complete worry wart. I always have been. I never thought that it affected me that bad until I got married. I thought I worried, but it was never to the point that it stopped me from doing things. Now I realize I was in denial. LOL. The other day I realized something. It was a breakthrough of sorts. Now this is something I have always done, but I never really recognized it before now. You know how right before a special or a new episode of a show comes on TV they advertise it like crazy? There is a commercial for it on every commerical break on that network? Well, I have been watching alot of MTV lately out of sheer boredom, and they kept showing commericals for the new episode of the Osbournes. I LOVE that show, but every time I saw the commerical I would get all tense. All of a sudden during one of the thousands of times they played the thing, I realized just how tense I was getting and thought about WHY. Then it hit me. When I see a commercial for a new TV show, I start to think about how many other people are going to be watching it, too. Then, somehow, my head starts to think of it as if it's a new movie playing in the theater. Like if too many people are watching it there won't be room for me to watch it too. Like it will be crowded. Then I get more and more tense because I start to think about crowds, as if they are going to all show up at my house and sit in my living room (I don't sit there and literally think of them showing up at my house. That's just a parallel). Now, I never really recognized that I did that, because it is such an impulse for me. I have always just done it, but now that I realize I am doing it, I realize just how crazy I am!! I knew I had a small degree of anxiety, especially when it came to going out or being in crowds in public, but man, I had no idea that it affected me when I was sitting at home too! So do I sound crazy enough to all of you now?? Just call me Trina, the future agoraphobic!
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